How My Creativity Vexes Me
by Amanda on March 8, 2010
I have this pounding beating in my chest 24/7 that wants me to stand up and find my thing. At the same time, I have a voice inside my head continually beating on me for not standing up and finding my thing quick enough. I’ve already rewritten these opening sentences three times. Is that the pounding heart or wicked voice in my head? That was a rhetorical but just in case you didn’t quite grasp my wired mutterings, it’s the voice.
I think about photography, about being better, about finding my perfect moments to shoot, for a good proportion of my day. Some may say this is great, how artist like! For me it’s a burdening mind trap that can spiral my emotions into a puddle of mush with no direction and no way out.
This is not a whinge and whine about failure or success. It’s more a noting of the cycles of the toing and froing of my mind that races at 3am thinking about what I should be shooting and how I can accomplish these goals. It’s about pushing myself to be better, to see the value in allowing my creativity to grow and knowing that while it may torture my mind, in the end it can only make me stronger.
Do you ever have these creative voices following you around? How do you deal with them?
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this is a daily headache for me! My chaotic brain never stops creating, visualising and imagining. But I have known the horrors of creative block and would NEVER want to go back there!
Oh man this happens to me all the time!
YES! Sure, they’re a sign of drive and of passion, but, you know, they trigger self-doubt and that can be paralyzing. Like…I won’t want to post/sell my work until my photos look like they do in my head; or I won’t want to shoot until I have just the right props or idea.
I try to tell myself that I just need to push forward; that I will naturally evolve and improve the more I shoot; that time is a wastin’ and if I wait for the perfect [whatever] then it’ll never happen.
At the same time…in a weird way…all of this “torment” makes me secretly happy. Because I know that, at long last, I’ve found my passion. And that is a great feeling. :)
The creative voices — my violet zombies — chew on my brain all day, every day. When I’m blocked, they chew more fervently and laugh when I can’t bat them away. When I’m not, it makes for interesting ramblings and creative indulgences.
Every creative feels like this at some point. Best to just surrender to it than to fight it because, damn straight, you’re pushing yourself to get better. Just, y’know, remember to sleep.
Yes, often, but less and less now. This may be difficult to hear but I have stopped wanting to get stronger and to believe in the value of trying hard. Instead, I try to lesson only to pleasure and to what in my guts feels good. And I’ve become a good friend for myself. I don’t know if it helps … But anyway, you’re a talented photographer and you should enjoy that and not grow anxiety out of it !!!
Yes. All the time. I just want to be able to switch it off and stop the wanting and the needing….
But then I’ll miss it, and the drive and the desire… the fire burning within.
xx
ahahahh!! yes!! and my problem is I have like 5 different at voices at once! So many projects started…..I should really work on finishing one:) But I think it’s all part of life……learning and growing every single day. Always needing a little something to push us. at least that’s how I justify it:)
Suzie, yes creative block is far worse lol
Lisa, I hear ya!
Mary, I think when you are overly critical of your own work then it can come from feelings of self doubt but I think a lot of comes from a drive and need to just constantly being doing something creative. LOL at the torment and yes, I kind of agree. It’s what fires me up to go do something different.
Amanda, I like that, “violet zombies”. Yes, the sleep is what fails in the end which is never helpful. I lie awake thinking to myself, “why couldn’t I have thought all this this afternoon?” Maybe yoga will help to get the brain flowing better through the day haha
Catherine, I have done that myself too. I used to be really into a particular type of photography and then had to ask myself why I was doing it. I couldn’t even answer myself, so I just stopped and instantly felt better.
Unfortunately for me, I’m someone who is full of anxieties and this doesn’t even register as an anxiety lol
Thanks for some really wonderfully intuitive responses ladies. I love having this kind of dialogue. :)
I had this talk with myself just last night! I have been getting so anxious I haven’t been able to do what I enjoy, or really do much of anything. And I found myself longing for a good friend in my time zone to give me a pep talk. Instead, I started writing and gave one to myself. I realized that I dance, draw, photograph, design all for myself. It’s not to win the competition, it’s because I enjoy competing. I enjoy making myself better and having fun. In the end, I can’t change my 40hour per week desk job but I can stop blaming it for not giving me time to do the things I love and to fill my time not at the office giving it my best.
So maybe sometimes the best thing is to go easy on yourself, that you can’t control everything, and remember that if you love what you’re doing, even if you’re not the best at it, what else really matters?
And oh, Amanda, from what I can tell, you’re pretty fabulous, so don’t forget that either. :)
Short answer: Y-E-S. You are SO not alone, gorgeous lady.
The constant ‘voice’ is particularly crappy because I am a science student, and I know I really shouldn’t be thinking about how delicate and gorgeous the light is while I’m mucking about with undiluted hydrochloric acid.
The only way I can stop the spiral of thoughts is to remind myself that I am only just starting out, and that there is always plenty of time to shoot, to learn, to grow in my craft. And then I spend time on the beautiful blogs of photographers who inspire me to keep trying (like yours!)
I wish you could see your photography through my eyes as well as I wish I could see my work through others’ eyes. Like for example, reading what you have written it is hard for me to believe that you imagine something better in your head because, well I have no idea what you imagine for each photo – I just see what it is and I believe it’s perfect. I’m not sure where I’m going with all this – it’s all so confusing in my head, but what I mean to say is that being and artist, being a creative human being is hard, it is full of doubt, but if we stop for a second and stop trying to make it what we want it to be and enjoy it for what it is, well then it could be something wonderful.
p.s. this video is very inspirational to me: http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html
Julie, thank you.
I don’t want anyone to think this was me whining about not feeling good enough. It was actually the opposite of that.
It’s knowing that there is something inside of me that wants me to be as creative as I can be and quite often that thing inside me is so powerful that it can just get to be a bit much when I need to do things like work, sleep and make the bed hehe
LOL Bea. Yes, I felt the same way when I was doing my education degree and do while I’m teaching! There is always time to grow and learn. Wonderful advice.
Iva, you are too sweet. Once I’m done with a shot, I leave it and move on. It’s more what I can do on the next one. I don’t ever really look back and tell myself that what I did was bad.
I’ll check out that video, thanks!
yes, i get a sort of creative vertigo sometimes. i also have developed an enormous fear of being misunderstood. like everything i create gets lost in translation. because it has in the past. granted, i’m not a photographer but i have my words and my paints that let me travel a bit when i am restricted to routine.
but we are cowgirls and we can handle ANYTHING, my friend.
Wow, Amanda, when I read your post it made me realize I’m not alone. I do this all the time! My wheels are always spinning about my next photo. In fact, before I read this I was in my art closet digging through things to see what would make a good photo. lol. We creatives, we’re all alike. ;) xo!
these are hard things to deal with. a lot of times i tell myself–anna, stop obsessing and calm down. but other times i go a week or so without seeing anything i want to shoot and i feel so bad about myself. i am working on taking things one step at a time and being bold whenever i see something inspiring.
I think as long as you pay heed to your creative voice and actually do what it’s telling it’s a great strength. I guess experimentation is the best teacher out there. I myself just have to learn to listen more to my creative voice and do the stuff I think about. :)